When preparing for a difficult negotiation – whether it’s an unpleasant conversation with a subordinate or a conversation with your child’s teacher – most of us spend 90% of our time searching for arguments and talking points. But that’s not always helpful. “In most cases, arguments do not need to be prepared, they are already there in our heads,” say the authors of the book “Emotional intelligence in complex communications” Sergey Shabanov and Alena Aleshina. And they suggest focusing on other things: goal setting and emotional tuning. We tell you how to do it.
Emotional intelligence in complex communications
Goal setting
If we start a conversation without understanding what we want from it, we usually stay focused only on the problem rather than solving it. This leads to unnecessary irritation and does not change the situation.
In order to define the goal, it is necessary to answer the question as concretely as possible: after we talk, who will do what
? That is, think about the changes that the conversation will bring.
- Instead of “I want my employees to become committed to lean manufacturing” → say, “After we talk, the manager will schedule a meeting with subordinates and walk them through the procedure in question.”
- Instead of “I want my son to stop playing computer games” → say, “After I talk to my son, he and I will figure out and plan together what we could do in the evenings together and talk about something important.”
Two goals
But there are situations where you really need the person to change their behavior. For example, to the head of the unit handed over the work on time and in the right form.
In this case, it’s worth setting two goals.
- One: “After we do the communication, who will do what?”
- Second: “What will be the fixture that concludes the conversation?”
Ideally, the fixation should have a tangible embodiment. That is the list or the contract should be written on a piece of paper, or in a text editor Word, or in an instant messenger and sent by one of the participants of the conversation to another. So that at any moment it could be read and proved.
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For group meetings, gatherings and meetings this idea is not new. However, it is much rarer for people to record one-on-one meeting arrangements. Even more rarely – almost never – in personal, family conversations.
You can also ask the interlocutor to give written feedback: what specifically seems valuable, useful and worthy of being implemented, what points they have additions to and what questions remain. This will help to make sure that you have understood each other correctly.
How do we check if we have formulated the goal accurately?
Ask a test question: “What will he do when he does it?” It doesn’t have to be “he.” You can substitute “I will do”, “they will do”, “we will do together” for that phrase. Or better yet, “What will I (he, she) specifically do when I do this?”
For example, we will agree. The test question for specificity is, “What exactly will we do when we agree?” Let’s say the answer is, “We will confirm our agreement with the common position.” Then further, “What will we do concretely when we confirm our agreement with the common position?” For example: “We will make a list of possible solutions, write them down on paper, and everyone will read and sign.” And so the question “What do we do when we make a list of possible solutions, write them down on paper, and everyone reads and signs?” seems a bit odd already.
So the rule of thumb will be that if the test question makes sense, there is probably no specificity.
If the question sounds a bit odd, doesn’t make much sense, cuts to the chase, then we’ve probably gotten to the specifics.
Emotional Attunement
What kind of emotional state do we need during a conversation? No, not calmness. Rather – a share of healthy aggression, drive and excitement. These are the ones that give us the energy we need and give us the power to channel that energy into the work we want to do.
It’s normal to feel some (and sometimes quite a lot) anxiety before difficult and important conversations.
It’s also normal to feel some irritation when dealing with a situation that doesn’t suit you in some way. Another thing is that excessive fear or irritation can affect our thinking. Therefore, our task in the preparation stage is to reduce excessive anxiety and irritation.
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Adjustment can be of two kinds.
- Working with your emotional state during the conversation.
- Working with your mood in relation to your interlocutor.
How to deal with your own emotions
All emotions are divided into short-term (reactive) and long-term (proactive) as well as bodily and mental. Depending on exactly when and how we want to manage our emotions, we may find different ways to do so.
If it is important to manage our emotions right before the communication itself, simple bodily methods are better suited, for example
:
- Take some deep breaths and slow exhales;
- pay attention to your body – adopt a more confident and welcoming posture;
- Stretch out, do some simple exercises.
How to change the mood towards the interlocutor
When we have a negative attitude towards an upcoming communication, often the other person reads this attitude and things go wrong from the beginning of the communication
.
That is why it is so important to change the internal image of the interlocutor, your attitude towards him. You do not have to consider him or her the best person in the world – it is enough to tune in to communication not with a “horrible monster” but with a “normal person”.
Here are some ideas on how to do this
:
1. Think of something nice about the person.
When we are angry at a person, a negative filter is often activated in our perception: we remember only bad things about him or her and pay attention to that person (“There he/she goes again!…”). If we manage to remember something good, then his perception is balanced in our eyes.
2. Replace an epithet
The essence of the method lies in the fact that you need to find yourself an epithet that corresponds to the negative image, and replace it with another. The “creep” became simply a “person”; the “mediocrity” became simply an “employee”; the “monster” became an “ordinary interlocutor”.
3. Put yourself in his place
To do this, answer the question, “How would I feel and act if I were his age, his gender, his position, his marital status, with his education, with a leader like him?”
4. Human Trainer
Imagine that the unpleasant interlocutor is your personal trainer. Completely free of charge and probably quite regularly, he trains your skills of effective communication, emotional intelligence, negotiation, emotion management and so on.
5. Compare it to someone really awful
If you happen to interact with really nasty, disgusting people, compare your interlocutor with them – you will probably be convinced that you are about to have a conversation with a perfectly normal person.
Of course, you don’t have to use every method.Choose the one or two that work best for you, and use them in preparation for important and difficult negotiations.
Based on the book “Emotional Intelligence in Complex Communications
”
Cover photo from here
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